What happened to Marriage in America?

Today, as we flip through the cable news channels we see grown men, women and young adults acting despicably - especially in our political arena. People are filled with rage and disgust over mounting violence in our nation as well as its general direction. How much of this violence and rage have we caused through through adoption of this so called progressive movement away from traditional values to something that clearly is not working.  

Many would agree that we live in a world filled with advances in medical science, technology and innovation that have prolonged life and made living it much more convenient. Some of these so called advances and conveniences have come at the expense of human life and the fracturing of our moral culture. This I'm afraid has lead to millions of dying relationships and suffering families. We are definitely living longer generally more prosperous lives filled with modern conveniences, but unfortunately, we are are not generally living happier better adjusted lives than our predecessors did.

Society Starts With the Family 

The Atlanta published an article called the 21 Charts That Explain America's Values Today.

Americans in this study say they are more tolerant and open-minded than their parents. This reflects their attitude of rebellion towards the lessons and lifestyles of their parents who on average had stronger longer lasting relationships than their generation currently has. Issues like homosexuality, human cloning, premarital sex, and having a child out of wedlock are more morally acceptable today than a decade ago. However, even with these so called progressive modern changes away from conservative "old fashioned" values, two-thirds still think the country is heading in the wrong direction, and 69 percent believe the country's values have deteriorated since the 1970s, and nearly half say values will further weaken over the next 10 years.

How can you have a successful relationship, especially a marriage, with low moral values or lack or willingness to make and keep a commitment? Why do we have lower moral values than we had historically? Could it be our generational departure from traditional Christian values? According to the American Values Poll religion is still important to half of all Americans, but 11% of Americans now don't believe in God. That is up from 1% according to a Gallup poll conducted in 1967. Could it be that we are teaching them not to believe in or rely on God? Or question His existence? After all, our education and scientific system removed prayer from schools in the 60's, and continues to attack the idea of God in many so called higher learning institutions protected by teachers with tenure.

Most Americans say they are more open and tolerant than their parents which shows a shift away from traditional biblical values and a decline in the influence religion has on American life. The idea that people are basically good seems to also be eroding. More than three-quarters of Americans believe people are typically motivated by self-interest -- and just 20 percent believe them to be generally altruistic. Notice the trend down in between generations?

The attitude and tendency for taking responsibility, working hard and loving sacrificially in a mutually compensating way is fading fast. Over the decades, how has this trend impacted the divorce rate, or the tendency to not commit to a marriage and just live together?

Value Change Impact on Marriage

The U.S. Department Of Health, Education, and Welfare found that historically starting in 1890, which was the first year with data by marital status, only 3.0 couples per 1,000 were divorced. That translates into .003%! Over the years this rate has increased over 300% to 11.2 couples per 1,000 in 1967. Divorce has exploded since 1967. The United States has the 6th highest divorce rate in the world. There is one divorce every 13 seconds.

Some say that the divorce rate is at 50%. Others say that statistically, there are two marriages for every divorce. A better way to measure, researchers suggest, calculates how many people who ever married then subsequently divorced. Counted this way, the divorce rate has never exceeded 41 percent and is even now edging down. This may be primarily due to the increase of couples living together and not marrying.  "This highest rate of divorce in the 2001 survey [of the Fertility and Family Branch of the Census Bureau] was 41 percent for men who were then between the ages of 50 and 59, and 39 percent for women in the same age group. So why are these marriages failing? Could they be saved with a change in strategy? 

What's Missing?  

Going back historically through the generations, children were trained differently and strongly encouraged to apply key Christian principles to their lives. Doing so resulted in them becoming a stronger individual, as well as becoming a better partner in their relationships. Men were taught to be men, which meant they were expected to be a strong leader and a tireless and selfless provider for their families. 

This provision men made for their families was never just limited to providing for their physical needs, but also the family's emotional and spiritual needs as well. These men were driven to develop themselves, work hard, serve their God and communities in an honest, sober minded and patient way. 

Older woman in those communities were respectful in their behaviour. That didn't mean they didn't speak their mind and work hard alongside their husbands, but they did so with intelligence, warmth, courage, tact, respect and elegance. These older ladies were grounded in their faith, respected their husbands and didn't gossip or run around violating their marriage bonds. Rather, they were teachers of good and important things that they knew their children needed to model in order to be successful in life. And, these men and women didn't just talk a good game, but they demonstrated these common sense lessons through their own personal life examples. They were both doers and not just hearers, meaning, that they not only embraced these lessons but applied them to their lives in a meaningful way that produced positive results.

The younger men were also strongly encouraged to be sober minded and level headed in their approach to the challenges in life. That they should all have a pattern in life of working hard, having integrity and not being willing to sell their souls to the devil just to make a buck. Men were taught to protect, love and respect their wives. They were shown how to be devoted fathers, friends, lovers and warriors for their family's cause.

This training was generational. These parents strongly encouraged their sons and daughters to love their spouses and children, to live a discreet and chaste life. They explained that these lessons would create deep bonds of love, loyalty and faith in each other as well as a bubble of protection artound your home. They knew that this devotion would result in turning ordinary buildings into warm loving homes, and would insulate their children's relationships from divorce. 

The aforementioned parental training was not just limited to matters of conduct at home, but also in the community as well. Parents taught their children how to be good employees and personally modeled their own good work ethic and strong moral character to their children. This translated into an employee base that tended to do what they were told, didn't bad mouth the boss or steal anything. They modeled their good behaviour at work in order to bring honor to their families and their God. What caused this trend to unravel?

Pivot Points in Cultural History

Americans say they are more tolerant and open-minded than their parents. I believe that this is primarily due to the moving away from traditional models of behaviour leading to the continued disintegration of the traditional family and its values. I believe this is is why we are seeing the frequency of violence and anti-social behaviour. This has subsequently had a huge negative impact on our children's lives and families. This "war" has been waged for centuries and is having its toll in small moves over several generations. To see the trends clearly you have to go back a few generations to observe four pivot points in history where attitudes changed. 

During the pre-modern era also known as the middle ages, God was not only studied theologically, but scientists and people studied and viewed creation through the lens that it's God's workmanship. This attitude was also applied to their approach to studying music, and the arts - but the highest study was theology. The general belief was that God controlled and governed the universe, and He created all life on earth.

The Renaissance period during the thirteen hundreds to fifteen hundreds brought the secular humanistic approach focused on man alone - his accomplishments, art and scientific discoveries. Suddenly, man was the center of the universe rather than God. Faith in God began to diminish.

Then during the sixteen hundreds the philosophers like Voltaire at that time professed that "if" God existed, then He no longer has contact with His creation and man must figure things out for himself apart from God. During this period England and other parts of Europe experienced financial calamity and many Christians were being persecuted for their faith and expressing their view of the authorities. Many left Europe for a new opportunity in America.

America started off as a Christian nation and many still hold that we are. This principle is worth fighting to preserve not only in title but in deed. 

Many readers have probably seen John Trumbull's famous painting of the presentation of the Declaration of Independence to Congress shown here, which is in the U.S.Capitol rotunda and appears on the U.S. two-dollar bill. While space and the topic of this article doesn't allow me to describe the beliefs of all 56 signers, suffice it to say that at least 50 of them were Christian. Many articles have attested that, while only one signer was a practicing minister, twenty five more were trained as ministers.

Unfortunately, our children in America are no longer taught about the religious faith of the nation's Founding Fathers, as was common at one time. This leaves them exposed to subtle changes made by those whose agenda is for social change away from our conservative Christian roots. The 1848 textbook used for decades was titled Signers of the Declaration of Independence. It included the full biographies of each of the signers of the 1776 document who openly discussed their Christian beliefs and faith that shaped their lives. 

It's hard to believe that just 83 years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, Charles Darwin published his theory Origins of the Species in 1859. His theory replaced the notion that man was created by God with the notion that man evolved on his own without any help or intervention by God. This notion was supplemented by others who suggested that life began with an explosion and we are just an accident.

Value Change Impact on Society

Today, according to the Statistics Brain article, the amount stolen annually from U.S. businesses by employees is $50 Billion. Yes folks, that's Billion with a B. Theft or fraud has resulted in 7% of the average revenues to be lost to theft or fraud. 75% of all employees have stolen at least once from their employer.  

This infidelity at work also extends to the home. According to research performed by family law attorneys Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, marriage rates are decreasing and divorce rates are increasing. Almost 50% of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. In 2011, Facebook was cited as a major contributor to 1/3 of divorce petitions examined by one study performed in the United Kingdom. Every 13 seconds there is one divorce in America. Researchers estimate that 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce. 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. 73 percent of all third marriages end in divorce. 

You may ask - why are all these marriages ending? After having been through two divorces myself, I wanted some answers, but in reality I had a real strong feeling what the main reason was which turned out to be true. Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. This reason was cited 73% of the time. Other reasons cited were: arguing 56%; infidelity 55%. 46% cited that they married too young and 45% cited unrealistic expectations. Lack of equality in the relationship was 44% and lack of preparation for marriage was a reason for the divorce 41% of the time.   

So are their any divorce prevention safeguards? Well, it appears that there are. Divorce trends indicate with empirical evidence that couples can actually put themselves at higher risk of divorce, or create a wall of defense against it, by applying traditional principles to relationships and life. If any of these aforementioned issues plague your marriage, then you are putting yourself at greater risk of divorce. 

Impact of Faith on Divorce

What may be surprising to many is that faith has a positive impact on reducing the likelihood of divorce. As you can see from the previous statistics, marriages aren't working and people today are choosing not to marry. Why? Could a contributing factor be the steep decline of Christian values that used to be taught institutionally as a nation through our public school system?  

In the article Red states, blue states, and divorce: Understanding the impact of conservative protestantism on regional variation in divorce rates demographers Dr. Jennifer Glass and Philip Levchak conducted a county by county analysis to examine where divorces occurred back in 2000 and what the characteristics of those counties were. Their work confirms that one of the strongest factors predicting divorce rates (per 1000 married couples) is the concentration of conservative or evangelical Protestants in that county. The correlation can be seen on this figure below.

The study indicates that those who are aligned with a non-Christian faith  are 38% more likely to get divorced. What's more, people who consider themselves to be liberal as opposed to conservative on social and political matters are 37% more likely to get divorced.

Among the population segments with the lowest likelihood of having been divorced subsequent to marriage are Catholics (28%), evangelicals (26%) and those who deem themselves to be conservative on social and political matters (28%). The study also showed that if you’re an evangelical Christian adult who has been married, there’s only a 26 percent likelihood that you’ve been divorced—compared to a 38 percent chance for non-Christians. 

Summary  

It seems that after reviewing all of these statistics, we can achieve real positive change in the quality and permanence of our relationships by avoiding certain relationship landmines. Here are a couple of ideas:

1. Finding a common spiritual center with your partner.
2. Learning to treat each other with respect and honor.
3. Learning to take care of each other's needs without question.
4. Never letting the sun go down on any disputes. Kiss and make up before you fall asleep. It's hard to argue and be upset when you are but ass naked and in the arms of your beloved. 
5. Be painfully honest with each other in a loving way.
6. Be a student of your beloved. Know and satisfy their needs and desires above your own.
7. Defend each other to the death. Nothing can break your bond and commitment to each other and your family.
8. Never use affection and love as a weapon. Your love is unconditional and sacrificial towards each other. You both are careful to diligently satisfy each other's physical, emotional and sexual needs.
9. Know the circle of life. There's God, your beloved, your children, the rest of the family then anybody else. Don't let that barrier be broken by anything or anyone.
10. Remember to do the things you did to and for each other that made you fall in love.
11. Carve out a date night and stick to it. 
12. Learn to be romantic. Make your relationship exciting with teasing notes, tender but casual caresses to turn the heat up for later that night when you are together alone. 
13. Remember to stay in the fox hole with each other no matter what. The grass is not greener on the other side. Learn to water, till and fertilize your own "garden"and you will be amazed at how much greener your garden becomes in comparison to all others. 
14. Never criticize your spouse or your family in public. 
15. Always assume the best in your beloved first.
16. Forgive unconditionally. You are eventually going to do something to each other that will really upset on or both of you. Remember, mistakes happen. If you are willing to walk through fire for each other, make your disputes brief, and your make up session very long.

I believe that if family relationships steadily improve, we can have a positive impact on society as a whole. Who knows? Maybe we can slow down the divorce rate if we learn to treat each other better. There is no better security than a relationship bound in a marriage made by two quality individuals who have the courage to make a lifetime commitment to each other and to their children.

Enjoy the journey...

Just my 2 cents.....